Consumerism takes its full monster form on Valentine’s Day and shakes it many heads at us telling us to spend on chocolates, love bears, diamonds, prophylactics, and a plethora of other things that we throw in the garbage a week later. It’s also the perfect time of year to alienate our single friends and shun them from all activities on V-Day forcing them into the dark holes that they live in. “Sorry Beverly, you can’t come skating with us, we’re going to be too busy holding hands and/or making out.” It’s a common fact Valentines encourages a ton of spending, but don’t let that mother tucker pull you into the consumer suck hole. This may come as a surprise to some of you, but the more money you spend on someone doesn't make them love you more – ask any hooker or stripper and they will confirm this. Let’s review some important facts about Valentine’s Day. First of all, the chocolates; yes they are delicious and package in those cute little heart-shaped boxes, but for some reason, come February 15, they are all half price. It’s called mark-ups people; and you can expect this in restaurants and any other place that is vomit-inducing and lovey-dovey. Also, Valentines colours are red and pink – which we all know look atrocious together – what kind of holiday is this?
So what do we do on a day that is revolved around spending all our hard-earned cash on hideous red and pink items our well-deserving loved ones? I am one of those disgusting people who are in a relationship, but the pressure to spend on each other is not there. We established years ago that we were cheap ba$tards who were not going to spend crazy amounts of money on a holiday that is really just about spending. First step to saving on VD is to talk this over with your partner long before Valentines comes around so that you don’t look like el-cheapo who won’t pony up the dough for a new snuggle-kitten with kung-fu kitten snuggle grip. If you try to tell your partner the day before Valentines that you aren’t going to buy them anything and they already have bought something for you, you will look like a huge d-bag. If you both still want to go the presents route, do like I do with all consumer-whore holidays – set a limit, or make each other a gift; and when I say make a gift, I don’t mean design your own diamond necklace for them (although anyone who wants to give me diamonds please send me an email and I will give you my shipping address) I mean make them a card, or mixed tape/playlist for all you nerds out there.
Remember back when you were in elementary school and you made Valentine’s cards for each other? Well you can still do that and it is super cheap! Just get yourself a red pen and some paper and get creative! It’s really easy to do. Also, you can send a little love e-card to your snugglebum or friends and friends with benefits over the internet. That Internet; always full of surprises. So you’ve got the love card thing taken care of, now you need to think about the entertainment. Have a nice night and cook a dinner together. The activity will bring you close together and you can make an amazing meal for next to nothing. If you’re looking for inspiration, search the internet for ideas of recipes that you love and do a cost calculation, I’ll bet it comes out much cheaper than any restaurant. Not to mention the wine! For the cost of 2 glasses of wine at a restaurant, you can get a nice
box bottle of wine to share! And remember, sex doesn’t cost anything, so feel free to endulge.
Some of you are thinking, eff you John, we don’t all have a partner to spend Single Person Awareness Day with. Well don’t fret my friends, before my current partner I was dumped a few weeks before Valentine’s Day quite often. I think it’s because I was dating students who couldn’t afford presents and they wanted to skip the bill – that or the fact that I have 11 toes and backne (back acne). Just kidding, I don’t have 11 toes. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I have been single on Valentine’s Day before and here are some great tips to surviving this holiday for cheap.
Get all your single friends together and rent a movie that has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day (or get that horror movie about Valentines Day to make you feel glad you’re not one of those couples who gets brutally murdered); this will bring you all together to laugh, share some wine, and maybe even exchange your own “single person awareness day” cards. Get a board game, share some delicious Valentine’s baking, just make sure you avoid all those romantic places where you could run into your ex and throw one of those “romantic candles” across the room at them. Don’t have any single friends around? Plan a day at the spa, or take a nice relaxing bubble bath, maybe even call someone from out of town and catch up on old times. Whatever it is, don’t buy into all this consumerist mumbo jumbo and have a wonderful Valentine’s/Single Person’s Awareness Day!
This blog post is dedicated to my Grandma who was born 97 years ago on Valentine’s Day and passed away last November. I know you’re watching over all of us with love. xo